Today was a hard day. Actually, every day is a hard day. I miss my son every day that I go to work. I walk out the door and see his little face looking at me and think “Does he understand that I will always come back?” What parent doesn’t think of what they are missing while they are at work? There is a risk that I will miss his first step, his first words, all of that.
I work because I need to, I want to and a few years from now he won’t be sitting at home waiting for me, but rather I will be sitting at home waiting for him. I, personally, am better when I am working. I wrote a while back, that one of my saving graces, while racked with the worst of my postpartum, was going into work. It gave me piece of mind that I wasn’t a complete failure.
But every day is hard. I miss him every day. To find that balance between motherhood and being a professional who is proud of her career.
I stopped today though and thought about what this all meant. It meant I was madly in love with my son. He will cringe of embarrassment, should he ever read this blog and this particular post, but I have fallen head over heels for him. I knew it was possible but I think most parents have this moment where they realize they not only feel that protective instinct over their child, which gets them through the first few months of chaos, but they genuinely love and like that child.
As Ben develops his personality I see all theses bits and pieces that make him a little bit me, a little bit Mike, but entirely his own person. His toughness, his silliness, his intelligence (yes, he is a genius according to me), his love of playing and observing, his fake cry which sometimes turns into a laugh because it is so ridiculous and he knows it. All of these things have meant that I have been lucky enough to be a part of his little world from day one. I know what the whines and cries mean. I know that if I start to play and make loud noises he will mimic me and poor Mike will roll his eyes. I know what it means when he smiles or puts his arms up.
I know that, despite the fact that I leave most mornings and have to see his little face crumple a bit as I walk out the door, that he loves me too and whether I am there at the end of his school day or the end of my work day to see him, he will always know that I am his and he is mine. And that makes any hard day worth it.